Hi, it’s just me, Jennifer Kincaid. I am so excited for this journey to start. I can’t thank Shayla enough for choosing me. I am so ready!
I am a 42-year-old (43 by the end of the challenge) wife, mother, daughter, sister, caretaker, and friend. I am loyal to a fault. If you need something from me, I am there! I am also sad. So very sad. I hate where I am. I hate who I have become. I hate looking in the mirror. I run and hide from who I am. I hide in that I avoid going out. I avoid those friends that I hold dear. I hide because I have one pair of jeans that fit in my closet. I hide out in my yoga pants and oversized shirts and jackets that hide my arms. I keep thinking that I will go buy another pair when I lose that weight. Why buy pants if I am just going to lose weight. It makes me sad. It’s like a whirlpool… sucking me down. I can’t get out.
I am a Texan at heart and by birth. My family and I moved back and forth between Texas and Michigan until high school where we landed back in Texas. I was always very active in High School. I belonged to a 3A school and played Volleyball, Basketball, and Track (High Jump was a favorite). I have had an up and down relationship with food and exercise since graduating from high school. I went to Texas A&M where I gained the obligatory freshman 15+”. I joined a gym and worked really hard to lose it before my wedding. I did and looked amazing. So I know it can be done.
With each pregnancy I gained a little weight here and there. Never truly losing it before the next. I have tried all the different classes and different diets only to lose 10-15 pounds and gain it back in half the time. I think that is because I was only addressing the physical aspects of my weight gain and not the mental. I never learned how to eat in the ways that will sustain me for life. I also never addressed the emotional issues that are causing me to keep this weight on. All the pain and guilt that is rolling around in me.
During my first pregnancy I worked out and was so very excited. We both worked and I took off eight weeks after Lauren was born. I was torn between going back to work and staying home with this perfect little girl. Well, I went back. That is until the daycare made me question our decisions. Then there I was a stay at home mom and loving every minute of it. I did miss working and being with other adults but knew it was the right decision. 8 months later we found out we were pregnant again. This time TWINS!!! How does that even happen? Eek. So you know that saying God never gives you more than you can handle… well, our world was turned upside down. That baby girl that I loved and adored… that was my whole life… she was gone… in a blink of an eye. No longer there. It devastated us. It still devastates me. I am no longer who I was. I feel lost. I still do.
Well, 16 days later the boys came. No time to grieve.. no time to curl up and die. Nate and Cam were 6 weeks early and in the NICU for 30 days. It was an insane, unreal time. Running back and forth between our home and the hospital. No time to think or breath.
I blame myself. I blame myself for everything. I blame the fact that they were early. I blame myself for her not being with us anymore. I should have spread the immunizations out. Should have waited until after Christmas. I still think about how I should have done things differently. I tried talking it out with a psychologist… anti depression medicine (which why you would give a depressed person drugs that make her gain weight is beyond my scope). It didn’t seem to help. None of it.
Two years later Jordan came into our lives. What a joy and a blessing. I threw myself in to mothering these lovely babes. I love being a mother. I love being there for them. I have raised 3 healthy, loving, wonderful children. I have loved staying home with them. I am proud of the children I have raised.
So here I am. 18 years married with 14 years of motherhood behind me. Wondering where my place is now. Lost in life. Sad. I keep thinking about what else so say but it all comes back to sad. Sad about how I cant get out of this spiral. I try and seem to make some progress but always allow myself to get dragged back down. Into the abyss.
I am hoping this transformation will help me get over out. Make me transform not only my body, but the way I think. Think about food and myself so that I will never be in this place again.
So that is me in a nutshell…
Just me, Jen.